Stop wanting things (including people) to be different.

I read somewhere (of course, I can no longer find it!) a list of aspects of forgiveness. The author said her bishop had told her that forgiveness means stopping wanting things or people to be different. I have been thinking about this a lot. I have some people in my life that I wish would be different. I would imagine everyone does. I am sure many people wish I would be different. I myself want me to be different. Paul talked about that when he wrote, “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing” in his letter to the Romans (Romans 7:19).

Realistically, I cannot just stop wanting someone to be different only because I tell myself to. But what I try to do is notice my initial reaction, my immediate response to something someone says or does, with the thought, “I hate that,” or “That makes me so mad,” or “There she/he goes again,” and then move on, letting it go. I kind of tell myself, “Yep, it’s frustrating she does that. Now stop thinking about it. Give it up. Move on.” Sometimes, I remind myself that I can also let go of what I wanted to do or say myself, which the other person’s action has interrupted or made impossible. Again talking to myself (which I always say is a sign of intelligence), I think, “The world will survive just fine, Mavis, if you don’t say or do that.”

Years ago my workplace gave several of the managers the chance to take 50 hours of training on listening. I think that training was one of the most valuable things I ever received. We were not required or pressured to take the training. One co-worker who quit told me I had “drunk the Kool-Aid” and the training was just what they taught psychologists to do. My response? “Yeah, cool.” Anyway, the instructor spoke about the initial judgmental response we have to what others say. He talked about how we initially put a kind of wall up, then pull it away. He put his two hands in front of his face, then quickly moved them apart. His point was that we have that initial response of judgment or anger, or whatever, and we usually can’t stop ourselves from having it; then we can push it away. The initial judgment is like a wall between ourselves and the other person. That gesture of placing my hands in front of my face, then quickly removing them, is what I visualize as I try to stop wishing a person would be different.

I kept thinking about forgiveness after reading what this author wrote, and I'm starting to believe that life is one forgiveness after another, isn’t it? Something happens, someone does or says something, I react, I forgive (or at least try). Rinse and repeat. To take it even further, I have to “forgive” God sometimes. My initial reaction can be, “God should not let that happen,” or “If God were really good, that evil stuff would not exist.” Another thing I have to let go of, give up, and not continually wish were different.

What are your thoughts? I would love to hear them.