Saturday, August 10, 2019

small things

My last email was about the grandeur and beauty of God’s creation and how his creation shows God’s love without words. Today I am thinking of small vignettes giving evidence of God’s love in all things.

I wrote about this one a couple years ago:

Yesterday when I was getting coffee at Starbucks, I saw what I guessed was a sister and her brother. The sister looked around 11 or so, the brother around 5. First, in line, the sister directed her brother to go sit at a table. Later, when I was outside, returning to Starbucks, she and her brother were, too. The sister was several feet ahead and said, “Better hurry up, I’m going to leave you!” Soon the brother caught up and as she held the door open for him, she said, “You know, I would never actually leave you, right?”

Doesn’t that just fill your heart?

Another time near that same Starbucks, which I wrote about, too:

The little boy was an incredibly cute chunk of a guy, toddling along beside his mom, chattering away, oblivious to everything, walking to his personal drummer. Mom had to pull him gently toward the car, then stand to block him from walking off to who knows where while she opened the door. She had to set her coffee on the ground and put her purse on the car floor, then pick him up -- he continued to babble away --, twist her body into the car in order to get him situated in his car seat, then retrieve her coffee, get herself in the car and they were off.

I was struck by the sweetness of it. The baby completely oblivious but so incredibly cherished. The mother so matter-of-factly performing this act of love.

Yet another time:

I was watching people entering a church where you had to go down a few stairs to get to the courtyard in front of the door. A woman probably in her 40’s was walking arm-in-arm with an elderly lady, perhaps her mother. At the stairs, the woman put both her hands on the other’s arm, to get a more secure hold, and bent her head to carefully watch the progress of her elderly companion down the steps. The solicitous bend of her head was such a tender posture, her attention so loving.

This poem expresses what I am thinking of. The “bless you” part makes me smile. I often think how nice it is to have an excuse to bless people.

~ a poem by Danusha Lameris~
I’ve been thinking about the way, when you walk
down a crowded aisle, people pull in their legs
to let you by. Or how strangers still say “bless you”
when someone sneezes, a leftover
from the Bubonic plague. “Don’t die,” we are saying.
And sometimes, when you spill lemons
from your grocery bag, someone else will help you
pick them up. Mostly, we don’t want to harm each other.
We want to be handed our cup of coffee hot,
and to say thank you to the person handing it. To smile
at them and for them to smile back. For the waitress
to call us honey when she sets down the bowl of clam chowder,
and for the driver in the red pick-up truck to let us pass.
We have so little of each other, now. So far
from tribe and fire. Only these brief moments of exchange.
What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, these
fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here,
have my seat,” “Go ahead—you first,” “I like your hat.”

What can I pray about for you?

love and blessings,


What is this?? A while back, I had an idea. I was thinking of some friends I wanted to pray for, but I didn't have a specific thing to pray about on their behalf. I decided to pray that they would feel God's love. I decided to send them an email when I prayed, so they'd know and be encouraged. Then I thought about my many other family and friends who I would like to encourage with prayer, and decided to start this email.
    Two things I try to do:
-- Encourage you with a reminder of God's love. My goal is to avoid anything where the response is "I should..." Just a short reflection of God's love.
-- Pray for you. I'll pray with each email, and please reply to me with anything you'd specifically like me to pray for you. I'll keep it confidential, don't worry..
.     If you would like to send me specific prayer requests. I will gladly pray with you. Email me at mavis at I'll keep all communication confidential.

Sunday, August 4, 2019

God tells you he loves you without using words.

Randy and I got home a few days ago from a 3-week vacation. We went to Michigan where we visited Randy’s family and picked up the new travel trailer we had purchased. We camped first in Grand Haven (MI) with some of the Moon clan, then went to Glacier National Park (MT) for a week.

God’s creation is amazing. Surrounded by its beauty, it was all I could do to keep from singing out loud, “How Great Thou Art.” 

O Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
(by Stuart Keene Hine)

We read about God’s love in words and stories from the Bible.  The world we live in -- the universe, the galaxy -- is another way we know God loves us. We “read” his love in the “words” of his creation, too.

The heavens declare the glory of God;
    the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
    night after night they reveal knowledge.
They have no speech, they use no words;
    no sound is heard from them.
Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
    their words to the ends of the world.
(Psalm 19:1-4)

May you see, hear, read, and know God’s love through the incredible world we live in.

What can I pray about for you?

love and blessings,


What is this email?? A while back, I had an idea. I was thinking of some friends I wanted to pray for, but I didn't have a specific thing to pray about on their behalf. I decided to pray that they would feel God's love. I decided to send them an email when I prayed, so they'd know and be encouraged. Then I thought about my many other family and friends who I would like to encourage with prayer, and decided to start this email.
    Two things I try to do:
-- Encourage you with a reminder of God's love. My goal is to avoid anything where the response is "I should..." Just a short reflection of God's love.
-- Pray for you. I'll pray with each email, and please reply to me with anything you'd specifically like me to pray for you. I'll keep it confidential, don't worry..
.     If you would like to send me specific prayer requests, I will gladly pray with you. You may email me at mavis at I'll keep all communication confidential.

Monday, July 22, 2019

What it's all about

I wrote about this is in my reading blog and decided to put this part in here, too, since it is something close to my heart. It is about the book, On Reading Well* by Karen Swallow Prior, a chapter about the virtue of kindness.

The chapter revolves around the book Tenth of December by George Saunders, which was one of my book club’s choices, if I remember right, but I did not read it. 

The character Don goes into the woods (on the 10th of December) to end his life after being becoming sick and weak with a fatal disease to “ease the burdens of those he loves” (p.213). A boy, Robin, finds the coat Don took off and searches for the owner. “When Don spies the boy carrying his coat in search of him, even his weakened mind is troubled at the thought of a child stumbling across the scene of death he is about to create…’That could scar a kid,’ he thinks (pp. 213-14). Then the boy falls through the ice on a pond and Don manages to save his life. They go to Robin’s home and the boy’s mother cares for Don, who realizes a “renewed joy in life.” Then he is reunited with his wife.

Before they reunite, though, “Don pauses one more time to consider whether he really wants to continue living, knowing the days he has left are numbered and will be filled with great pain (p. 217). Quote from The Tenth of December:

Did he still want it? Did he still want to live?
                Yes, yes, oh, God, yes, please.
                Because, O.K., the thing was—he saw it now, was starting to see it—if some guy at the end, fell apart, and said or did bad things, or had to be helped, helped to quite a considerable extent? So what? What of it? Why should he not do or say weird things or look strange or disgusting? Why should the s----- not run down his legs? Why should those he loved not lift and bend and feed and wipe him, when he would gladly do the same for them? He’d been afraid to be lessened by the lifting and bending and feeding and wiping, and was still afraid of that, and yet, at the same time, now saw that there could still be many—many drops of goodness, is how it came to him—many drops of happy—of good fellowship—ahead, and those drops of fellowship were not—had never been—his to [withhold].

Prior says whenever she reads this passage, “it pierces [her] every time” (p. 218). She confesses to being “terribly, terribly afraid of dying.” Afraid of all the things Saunders writes of Don fearing. As Prior says, these fears are natural and normal, but she feels they are heightened for her because her husband’s father killed himself when faced with the fate of dying from a fatal disease. It scarred her husband and all his family.

For those so sick or scared or depressed that they think their loved ones would be better off without them, I so wish for them to know what Don Eber came to know; caring for those bodies we inhabit for a while—whether that care is of our own or someone else’s body—isn’t a distraction from what life is all about. It is what life is all about.
                In lieu of death, be kind to one another.

That pierces me, too. I think of many things. Jean Vanier and L’Arche, living with and befriending lonely, mentally challenged people. My brother finding so much humor in his life during the 6 months it took him to die of ALS. My mom feeling so ashamed when she came home from a walk around the block with exactly what Saunders listed, s------ running down her legs. My sister and sister-in-law faithfully present for Mom as she declined both physically and mentally with Parkinson’s. My dad, from his own deathbed saying, “Move her closer, closer,” when we wheeled Mom in to his room so he could hold her hand and say, “Hi, sweetheart.” Dad holding my own hand, kissing it, and saying, “I love you so much.” My aunt – my mom’s sister – sitting beside Mom shortly before she died, looking at old photos and knowing exactly what my mom meant as she managed to speak one or two words the memories those pictures evoked. My sister reading Psalm 23 to Mom as she breathed her last breaths, with Mom silently echoing the words. Yes, that is what life is all about.

* On Reading Well, Finding the Good Life Through Great Books by Karen Swallow Prior. Brazos Press, Grand Rapids, MI. copyright 2018.

Friday, July 19, 2019

I shall not want

Isn't this song beautiful? When I first heard the title ("I Shall Not Want"), I figured the song would be a re-telling of Psalm 23, which begins, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”  The song seems quite different, though, doesn’t it?

A few of the words made me wonder. Many seem logical -- asking God to deliver me from the love of my own comfort, the fear of having nothing, a life of worldly passions. But from “the need to be understood” and from “a need to be accepted”? Why would I want to be delivered from those? We all want to be understood and accepted. Maybe it’s about the need? Deliver me from needing to be understood and accepted so badly that I make compromises. Maybe.

Another line says deliver me from the fear of humility. That one is confusing to me, too. Why would I be afraid of humility? We want to be humble, right? Maybe from the fear of being humiliated? Or a different way to ask to be delivered from pride?

I’m probably overthinking it. Definitely a tendency of mine. But if you have any thoughts, I welcome them!

I love listening to the song. I hope you enjoy it, too. The beauty of the music and Assad’s pure voice, pondering the words. “When I taste your goodness, I shall not want.”

Thank God for his love, that gives us his goodness. Thank God we shall not want.

I Shall Not Want by Audrey Assad

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood
And from a need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, no, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want

From the fear of serving others
Oh, and from the fear of death or trial
And from the fear of humility
Deliver me O God
Yes, deliver me O God

And I shall not want, no, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

No, I shall not want, no, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want
I shall not want
I shall not want

Psalm 23  A Psalm of David

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

What can I pray about for you?

love and blessings,


If you would like to send me specific prayer requests, email mavis at I will gladly pray with you. I'll keep all communication confidential.

Saturday, July 13, 2019

How do I know God loves me?

There are times in life where we wonder, where we doubt, where we really can’t see how the love of God -- or God himself -- can be true. How do I know God loves me?

I’ve read various answers to this question in books, sermons, and so on. What I’ve seen as the answer runs along the lines of the list below. But is that enough?
  • He tells you in the Bible. “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” Great song, and great truth. There are myriads of verses where God tells us he loves us, and will forever.
  • He sent his son to die for you. What greater love could there be, than to take his son, who loved, who never sinned, and give him to us, to carry our sins and be punished for them as if they were his sins?
  • He gave us his holy spirit. One author, Nancy Missler, wrote:
It's the Spirit of God that bears witness or validates to our spirit not only that we are His children, but also that He loves us. (Romans 8:10) It's God's Spirit that empowers us, teaches us, guides us, gives us discernment as to how to walk and enables us to commune and fellowship with Him.
We are also cautioned not to trust our emotions, but, even when we don’t feel God’s love, to cling to the Scriptures and knowledge that God does love you. Trust. Billy Graham said:
Don’t trust your emotions; they can deceive you. Instead, trust Christ and what He has done for you. Invite Him to come into your life today, and then thank Him every morning for His unchanging love for you.
As I read these various answers to the question “How do I know God loves me?” they felt kind of circular. Like: Believe it because God says it.

But what about people who don’t believe in God? Or what if I am in a time of doubt and not sure I believe in God?

I don’t know the full answer to that. What do you think is the answer? Here’s a thought I came up with. People who don’t believe in God don’t know God loves them. For the doubters, and hopefully also for those sure of their disbelief, it’s temporary. At the time, they don’t know God loves them.

But here’s the thing: He does. Whether they know it or not.

It reminded me of a scene in C.S. Lewis’ book (and yes, those who know me are probably thinking, What doesn’t remind Mavis of a scene in a Narnia book?), The Last Battle. At the end of Narnia, the characters go through a door into “The Stable.” It turns out that the Stable is actually a new world, with “blue sky overhead, and grassy country spreading as far as [you] could see.” A group of Dwarfs is in that new world and…
They had a very odd look. They weren’t strolling about or enjoying themselves… They were very close together in a little circle facing one another.
They couldn’t see the others in the Stable or the beauty around them. They described it as “this pitch-black, poky, smelly little hole of a stable.” When Lucy tried to give them some flowers, they yelled at her for “shoving a lot of filthy stable-litter in [their] face.” When Aslan gave them a “glorious feast,” they thought they were eating hay, an old turnip, raw cabbage, and other animal feed you might find in a stable. Surrounded by that beautiful world, they could not see it. Surrounded by God’s love, not all see or know it.

So, yes, the answers are circular. Because we do need to trust in God -- and hang on to that belief even when we can’t feel it -- in order to know God loves us. And regardless of whether we know it or not, he does.
Paul Zahl, in his book, Grace in Practice: A Theology of Everyday Life, described grace as “love coming at you that has nothing to do with you.” Amazing.


What is this?? A while back, I had an idea. I was thinking of some friends I wanted to pray for, but I didn't have a specific thing to pray about on their behalf. I decided to pray that they would feel God's love. I decided to send them an email when I prayed, so they'd know and be encouraged. Then I thought about my many other family members and friends who I would like to encourage with prayer, and decided to start this email. Two things I try to do:
 -- Encourage you with a reminder of God's love. My goal is to avoid anything where the response is "I should..." Just a short reflection of God's love
.-- Pray for you. I'll pray with each email, and please reply or email me at mavis at with anything you'd specifically like me to pray for you. I'll keep it confidential, don't worry.

Thursday, July 4, 2019

Heavenly and earthly, spirit, soul, and flesh

I am a part of a group that meets monthly to discuss theological ideas, led by Paul VanderKlay. One of the participants sent this.

On Thu, Jul 4, 2019 at 11:43 AM Kevin Zabihi <> wrote:
Hi guys,
Read this article today. Reminded me of our conversation last time, on what “is” the spirit. Thoughts? 

Notes I took as I read both the article Kevin linked to, and the original one the author referenced.

The earth on which we live, for example, is not divided from the several heavenly spheres by the lunary sphere, nor is the aerial realm of generation and decay here below separated by that sphere from the imperishable ethereal realm of spiritual forces there above. Thus, for us today, even such words as “heavenly” (ἐπουράνιος) and “earthly” (χοϊκός) convey practically nothing of the exquisite cosmology—at once concretely physical and vibrantly spiritual—in which the authors of the New Testament livedFrom <>

Reminds me of what Paul has said about the world the people of the Bible lived in vs. what we live in -- the sky like a dome or a bowl and so on. Reminder of how differently the words we read were understood by the readers/listeners of the time.

In the world of Protestant scriptural scholarship, this latter strategy reached a kind of cartoonish climax in the early editions of the New International Version of the Bible, where the word “flesh” was in many cases rendered as something like “sinful nature” (I would check the exact wording, but that would involve picking up a copy of the NIV).From <>

Made me laugh out loud, This guy really hates the NIV!

Hence, according to Paul, the body of the resurrection is not one of flesh and blood animated by “soul,” but is rather a new reality altogether, an entirely spiritual body beyond composition or dissolution. And this is how his language would have been understood by his contemporaries.From <>

Resurrected body is a different kind of body. Richard Rohr says?

If we could hear the language of πνεῦμα with late antique ears, our sense of the text’s meaning would not be that of two utterly distinct concepts—one “physical” and one “mystical”—only metaphorically entangled with one another by dint of a verbal equivocity; rather, we would almost surely hear only a single concept expressed univocally through a single word, a concept in which the physical and the mystical would remain undifferentiated. To be born of spirit (or Spirit), to be born of the wind of life, to be born of the divine and cosmic breath vivifying and uniting all things—it would all make perfectly simple, straightforward, “physical” sense to us. Whatever the case, though, this much is certain: it was widely believed in late antiquity that, in human beings, flesh and soul and spirit were all present in some degree; “spirit” was merely the element that was imperishable by nature and constitution.From <> For Paul, both psychical and spiritual bodies were in the proper sense natural objects, and both in fact are found in nature as it now exists. He distinguished, therefore, not between “natural” and “spiritual” bodies, but only between σώματα ἐπίγεια (“terrestrial bodies”) and σώματα ἐπουράνια (“celestial bodies”). And this, again, is a distinction not between natural and supernatural life, but merely between incommiscible “natural” states: ἀφθαρσία (“incorruptibility”) and φθορά (“decay”), δόξα (“glory”) and ἀτιμία (“dishonor”), δυνάμις (“power”) and ἀσθένεια (“weakness”).  In speaking of the body of the resurrection as a “spiritual” rather than “psychical” body, Paul is saying that, in the Age to come, when the whole cosmos will be transfigured into a reality appropriate to spirit, beyond birth and death, the terrestrial bodies of those raised to new life will be transfigured into the sort of celestial bodies that now belong to the angels: incorruptible, immortal, purged of every element of flesh and blood and (perhaps) soul.From <>

Subjective as real as the objective. Just recently heard a discussion of that. Was it on one of Paul's videos? I can't remember.  Interesting to think of Christ as having a spiritual body similar to the body that angels have.

At the same time, of course, no other gospel places greater emphasis upon the physical substantiality of the body of the risen Christ—Thomas invited to place his hands in Christ’s wounds, the disciples invited to share a breakfast of fish with him beside the Sea of Tiberias—but even this is perfectly compatible with Paul’s language. It is, as I say, extraordinarily difficult for modern persons to free their imaginations from the essentially Cartesian prejudice that material bodies must by definition be more substantial, more concrete, more capable of generating physical effects than anything that might be denominated as “soul” or “spirit” or “intellect” could be. Again, however, for the peoples of late Graeco-Roman antiquity, it made perfect sense to think of spiritual reality as more substantial, powerful, and resourceful than any animal body could ever be. Nothing of which a mortal, corruptible, “psychical” body is capable would have been thought to lie beyond the powers of an immortal, incorruptible, wholly spiritual being. It was this evanescent life, lived in a frail and perishable animal frame, that was regarded as the poorer, feebler, more ghostly of the two conditions; spiritual existence was something immeasurably mightier, more robust, more joyous, more plentifully alive. And this definitely seems to be the picture provided by the gospels in general. The risen Christ, possessed of a spiritual body, could eat and drink, could be felt, could break bread between his hands; but he could also appear and disappear at will, unimpeded by walls or locked doors, or could become unrecognizable to those who had known him before his death, or could even ascend from the earth and pass through the incorruptible heavens where only spiritual beings may venture.From <>

Spiritual body capable of all that the physical body has and does, and more. 

As a result, he seems to be laboring under the impression that I was claiming that Paul believed resurrection to be an escape from—rather than a transfiguration of—the conditions of incarnation, and that a “spiritual body” is somehow a “bodiless spirit.”From <>

Talking about Ware's criticism. Not escape but transfiguration. I like the emphasis on transfiguration. We shall all be changed.

We cannot help, it seems, but think of “soul” and “spirit” as utterly incorporeal, lacking all extension and physical presence, pure instances of res cogitans.From <>

Spiritual beings were very real to me as a child, though I never saw them other than in my imagination, It made me quite a fearful child, although I hardly ever talked to anyone about it. I believe because I was brought up with Bible stories, I believed there was this whole invisible (to me) world of spirits all around me, some good and some bad -- hence the fear. Now, as I try to get deeper into Ignation spiritual practices, especially contemplative prayer where you use your imagination as a way to be with and even hear from God, I wonder about that world I lived in as a child, and what was real and was not. Am I still living in that world?

Only God was beyond all embodiment by nature, and therefore omnipresent. All spiritual creatures possessed bodies, albeit of an especially aetherial nature, and all of them were therefore bound to some kind of local existence. Many, for instance, lived in the heavens above, divine or angelic “glories” (James 1:17, 2 Peter 2:10-11), or the astral bodies of the glorified righteous (Daniel 12:3, Wisdom 3:7).From <>

Interesting. All spiritual beings have a body, except God. But then does that mean Jesus, since he is God, lost his spiritual body after he ascended?

Trust on the road

I can relate to this article, "Driven."
Speaking of dividers, another trite but horrifying observation: lanes are painted. Not veering off into an oncoming car is just a social contract.
That often occurs to me, too, as I turn my wheel in a steep curve, with cars coming toward me in the other lane. We trust each other not to go over the line and onto each others' side of the road. It's kind of amazing.

We trust each other about that, but so little about anything else.

Curves in roads or trails also remind me of the cover of my life story book. Several years ago, our pastor led us in a program where each of us thought about, talked about, and shared the stories of our lives, especially our faith journey. As a part of that, we each drew or painted a small canvas depicting the cover of our life story book. Mine was a curved path, with a cross and a ball of light around the corner. I wanted it to show we never know what is coming around the corner, but we always know that Jesus will be with us. Another kind of trust.

from The Smart Local, image credit: @adriansim88

Friday, June 28, 2019

How to lose weight by eating whatever you want

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

I have a tiny problem with authority (with a nod to Anne Lamott). I don’t like anyone telling me what to do — even diets. If I go on a diet that says I am not allowed to eat certain foods, I am soon obsessed by the desire to eat that forbidden food. I start telling myself — and believing — that I deserve to have it, in fact I deserve to have whatever I want. And I have lost 30 lbs. in 2 years by doing just that — eating whatever I want.

“Two years?” you say? Yes, this is not a miracle diet. I lost 30 lbs. very slowly, and I have kept them off. Also, I am not thin. If you saw me you would be unimpressed by my (not) svelte body. This is a way of eating that has worked for me, and I plan to eat this way the rest of my life.
It started with Geneen Roth, specifically the book Women, Food, and God, which I read years ago. Roth’s writing made a lot of sense, and her words and ideas influenced my own change in behavior, which happened many years later. I think of that change as my “You can have anything you want…do you still want it” method.

Like many, I have tried a lot of diets over the years. I was most “successful” with Weight Watchers — I didn’t feel hungry and I lost weight. But I never lasted more than 3 weeks on any diet, even Weight Watchers. I would say it was too hard to maintain because I had to make different food for me vs. my family. But there were many other reasons: I couldn’t keep up with planning ahead, I didn’t feel like going to meetings, I got tired of thinking about what I should and should not eat all the time, I did not want to deny myself food that made me happy.

In a kind of desperation I once tried Jenny Craig. I paid for the entire package — had the food delivered to me. No double workload. No decisions. I did lose weight. But as soon as I switched to “maintenance,” it all came back — with a vengeance. It seemed like that “returned” weight was harder to lose than any other.

Then the diagnosis: Type 2 diabetes. I had had gestational diabetes so I knew I was more susceptible to Type 2 diabetes. But, to be honest, I thought I wasn’t eating that badly, I wasn’t so overweight, and if it did happen it would be when I was old. I was 59 when I got the diagnosis. I suppose I thought that was old back when I was having babies in my 20’s and 30's.
Anyway, I realized diabetes was not something to ignore. I needed to do something to get that A1c number down (a test that shows your sugar level over the last 2–3 months). Diabetes could kill me, and I want to be around for a while yet. Diabetes could make me lose my sight, or even a limb. Yuck. No!

To be honest again, I was ashamed. I did not want to tell anyone I had Type 2 diabetes. It took me a while to admit it even to my husband and kids. Why the shame? I am not sure. It felt like failure somehow. It felt like I had failed. It felt like people would think I was a weak person who could not control herself. When I did tell people, some of them expressed shock. I could take that as a positive — I must not look to them like someone who overate and was overweight. But instead their shock made me feel like I was being judged deficient in some way. I am not really sure what causes this feeling of shame. I still fight it.

But what would I do now that I had this diagnosis? I hated dieting, and had never been able to stick to a diet. As often as I heard that you have to change the way you’ll eat for all your life, not only while you’re dieting, I could not imagine I could change for a lifetime. Each time I went on a diet, I thought it would get me to a better weight, and from then on I would stay at that weight by being careful. The change in eating would be temporary, only while I was on the diet. Problem was, I never got to that better weight. And, of course, I’m sure if I had, I would not have stayed there.
What to do? I had to face it: I needed to change the way I ate forever. But I could not imagine being able to give up potato chips forever, give up chocolate forever, give up ice cream forever, give up bread forever, give up french fries forever. I could not even imagine being strict with myself and forever eating less of all the food I loved. To make a lifelong change, I needed to be able to lose weight but still eat whatever I wanted. Anytime I asked myself if I could eat something I wanted, I needed to say yes.

But of course I couldn’t eat as much of those foods as I had been. That’s tricky. Geneen Roth wrote to take notice of what you are eating, pay attention to everything about it — the chocolate cake with all its moist, rich layers, the frosting that was just the right sweetness and smoothness, the great way it looked on the plate, the beauty of its chocolate brown color, the incredible delicious scent, and so on and so on. That sounded like a good thing to try — take notice, pay attention.

I also read that, in reality, after the first few bites you stop truly tasting whatever you are eating, even super delicious things. I took note and discovered that was true. After several potato chips, they no longer have that potato flavor goodness that was so delightful in the first few bites. I still like their texture. I still like the saltiness. That lasts a bit longer. But if I really pay attention and I am honest with myself, after several bites those chips don’t taste as delicious any more.
Photo by Jeniffer Araújo on Unsplash
I was diagnosed right around the holidays. Where I work, our kitchen area becomes laden with goodies during the holidays. Vendors and sales reps shower us with gifts. Food, food, food. Sweet, salty, crunchy, melty, silky treats. Chocolate, nuts, chips, crackers, cheese, cookies, cakes, candy. Mm-mm-mm. I would walk past the counter and ask myself, “Do you want that, Mavis?” And if I said, “Yes,” I would pick up a piece and take a bite. Then as I continued to take bites, I would ask myself, “Do you still want it? Does it still taste delicious?” (When I told this to a friend she said, “So if I want to lose weight I need to talk to myself, right?” Well, yes.)

I gave myself permission to waste food. That was part of it. I decided not to have a guilty conscience about putting perfectly good, even super delicious food into the garbage. It was O.K.. Besides asking myself whether I wanted it, whether I still wanted it, whether it was still delicious, I had a mantra repeating itself in my mind. In fact, I still do: “You can have whatever you want. You can have whatever you want. You can have whatever you want.” All day long.
I did also cut back on sugar as much as possible. I don’t put sugar in my coffee anymore — I use Stevia. And I take notice of how much bread or other carbohydrates I’m eating. I never tell myself I cannot have them, though, if I want them. I use the same method with myself, telling myself I can have whatever I want, asking myself if I still want the next bite, trying to answer myself truthfully, and stopping when I actually don’t want more, or it really doesn’t taste great anymore.

A couple other things: I pay attention to how many carbs I’m eating. I never deny myself, but when my weight is creeping up to that target number, I look for more options, usually at lunch, with no or very few carbs. Also, I like to read or watch TV while I eat, which can easily result in mindless eating. Some experts say just don’t watch TV or read while you eat. No, that’s boring. So I try to pause, look up, think a second with each bite, and notice what I’m eating — while continuing to watch TV or read. 

One last trick: If I really want something but there’s a lot of it, I eat part now and eat the rest later. When I had gestational diabetes, the medical experts told me you want to keep your blood sugar from spiking, keep things level, small meals and snacks throughout the day. Using that logic, if, for example, I get a big bagel with topping for breakfast, I save half and have the rest at coffee time a little later in the morning.

I weigh myself every morning. I’ve been at around the same weight now for months and months. Many experts frown upon weighing yourself every day, and I realize that it could be unhelpful for some people. But so far, it doesn’t seem to make me unhappy or dissatisfied. I’ve given myself (for now) a weight that I don’t want to be higher than. As long as I don’t go past that, I feel like I’m good. And if I do seem to be getting close to going over that number, it reminds me to pay better attention.
How is this working for me, you wonder? Well, I have gotten that A1c number down but it’s still not in what’s called the “normal” range. I still officially have diabetes. My doctor has increased the dosage of the medicine I take. I hope that, along with maintaining this weight, or even losing more, the A1c number will get into the normal range. I also need to figure out how to do more exercise — even just walking more. But, the fact is, I lost 30 pounds. It took over 2 years, but it has stayed gone. I still look at myself in the mirror and am not completely satisfied, but I feel more content with how I look and feel.

What Jessica Knoll wrote in her article, “Smash the Wellness Industry,” rings true for me:
Most days, I feel good in my skin. That said, I am probably never going to love my body, and that’s O.K.. I think loving our bodies is not only an unrealistic goal in our appearance-obsessed society but also a limiting one. No one is telling men that they need to love their bodies to live full and meaningful lives. We don’t need to love our bodies to respect them.
In regard to food, I feel freer, and therefore happier. No food is bad. I don’t have to feel guilty that I ate something “bad,” something that would make me fat, or “go straight to my hips,” or make my already pot-belly bigger. I can go ahead and love whatever food I love. The food I love is good. Plus, I can have whatever I want! How great is that?! I am nicer to myself, and I like having that nice me as a friend. Yes, I know that sounds weird. Do I have split personality or what? There’s me and there’s me. But, it works. For me. And me.

Everyone is different. Many factors affect each individual’s health, what motivates one person as opposed to another. What works for me may not work for you. I get that. I am NO expert! Talk to your doctor.

I tell people about this method because I want others to feel happier. I want them to have their own nice selves as friends. It makes me sad when I watch people I love going on diets that deprive them of things they would like to have, and when they talk about certain foods as bad. I can see they are unhappy with the way they look, so much so that it messes with their self-confidence. It makes them unable to do what they are meant to do, what they love to do, to fulfill the desires of their heart that God wants them to fulfill. I hope and pray that what I have written here helps in some way to make it so someone can have a better, richer, more joyful life.

(published on Medium)

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

suffering for love

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot written by Richard Rohr. I receive his daily meditation and this is a recent one that made me stop and think.

You’ve probably heard things about loving and suffering, as I have. I’ve heard that when you love someone, you are opening yourself up to be hurt because no one lives forever. When they die, or if they leave you, you’ll hurt. Often the follow-up is that the future pain is worth the present happiness. Or sometimes I’ll hear the quote, “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.” (Kahlil Gibran) What Richard Rohr writes about is different than those sentiments.

If we love anyone or anything deeply and greatly, it is fairly certain we will soon suffer because we have given up control to another, and the price ... will soon show itself. Undoubtedly, this is why we are told to be faithful in our loves, because such long-term loyalty and truly conscious love will always lead us to the necessary pruning (John 15:2) of the narcissistic self.


Authentic love (which is always more than a heart feeling) initially opens the door of awareness and aliveness, and then suffering for that love keeps that door open...

He’s not talking about future suffering -- like after someone dies, or after you let them go -- he’s saying we suffer in the present, while we are loving. He’s not talking about the pain you suffer when you lose someone. He’s talking about a different kind of suffering.

What kind of suffering is he talking about here? He says, “...the necessary pruning (John 15:2) of the narcissistic self.” That verse, John 15:2, is from the quite well-known passage where Jesus says “I am the vine; you are the branches” and in that particular verse he says, “...while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” I haven’t thought very hard about that particular phrase before. It’s good when a branch bears fruit -- right? -- yet Jesus says he still prunes it. I think of pruning as cutting off the branches that do not bear fruit, and Jesus says he does do that, but he also prunes the ones that do bear fruit.

So, here I am trying to be a “fruitful branch,” and, I hope and pray, actually doing that at that at least sometimes. I don’t always show the love of God to others, but I think I do quite often. I don’t always act unselfishly but I keep trying to do better at that. I don’t always speak kindly and uplift conversations, but I know that’s something I need to keep working on. I don’t always extend mercy and help those who have less than I do, but I give to charities and try to do my bit. I could be a more fruitful branch, but I do bear fruit.

Yet, Jesus seems to be saying, even though I am a fruitful branch, he prunes me. I’ve heard that verse used when talking about the fact that Christians suffer, and suffering builds character, and makes us better. I think that is a true application, but Rohr talks about “pruning of the narcissistic self.”

So, what is this “narcissistic self” about? I want to read and think about this more, but here are some of my thoughts: Narcissism is being “extremely self-centered with an exaggerated sense of self-importance.” In another article, Rohr quotes Thomas Merton: “Every one of us is shadowed by an illusory person: a false self. This is the man [or woman] that I want myself to be…” That rings true to me, does it to you? I have this image of the self I want to be. I know in my mind that I’m not as good as I want to be, yet when someone else points that out, I so badly don’t want that to be true that I get all defensive. 

I listened to an interview with Richard Rohr this week, and he said he prays for “one humiliation a day.” He explains that he fears his fame and the adulation he gets because of it will make him vain, so he asks for at least one humiliation a day in order to watch his own reaction to it, and to learn from it. 

I don’t have to worry about fame and adulation, but maybe this gets at what is meant by pruning -- things happen (people say things, or I say things, or I read things, or whatever) that convict me in an uncomfortable way. I suffer humiliation. I suffer disillusionment. I realize that I am not the person I like to think I am. And God uses that suffering to make me “even more fruitful.” I learn a truth that helps me love God and others more. I see someone else’s pain and can contribute to healing. My heart is softened so I can accept more. Somehow, God makes me “even more fruitful.”

May we all experience God’s love in such a deep way that we become “even more fruitful.” I don’t pray to be humiliated, and I certainly am not praying each of you will be humiliated so that you become more fruitful. Pruning is shaping, too. We are constantly being shaped and transformed by our experiences, even when we suffer. All that we experience becomes who we are. May God’s love continue to form us in his image -- make us more and more like him. May our extreme interest in ourselves melt away as we sink deeper and deeper into the mysterious, wondrous oneness of the Trinity -- the father, son, and holy spirit.

What can I pray about for you?